Serious Dieting Tips, Humorous Explanations
A few months ago, I set out to lose 22.6 pounds, then to put back on at least half of it.
Huh? Anybody who’s ever found herself stuck on a yo-yo diet is probably thinking that I am either crazy or planning way too hard for the inevitable yo-yo heartaches. However, my plan is more sneaky than that.
First, I want to lose this rubber tire I’ve been carrying around my waist. Have you ever gotten stuck inside a rubber tire? It’s not a pretty site.
Then, I want to put back some of that weight in the form of muscle. It’s my grand master plan to change my shape from looking like a silly pear to looking like an upside down silly pear.
Will it work?
I think I have the “silly” part figured out. And so far, I have lost14.6 pounds, but I think I really lost a few more, because I have been getting ahead of schedule on adding those muscle pounds.
I would love to tell you what my weight is now, but that’s very private information. Why should it be so private? I am not 100% certain, but I believe it is so that people can easily move between Earth and the Moon without being detected by hidden scales. (Why people keep their age private is the subject of my column on aging gracefully at thehappyguy.com/aging-gracefully.html .)
While there is more to healthy dieting than a few tips, these ten dieting tips should help you laugh away a few pounds (What a great way to lose!). Hint: the tips are serious; the explanations are not.
Tip #1: Never eat before bed. This is just common sense. It is so much more fun to eat IN bed.
Tip #2: Bake, don’t fry. This is also common sense. Baking allows you to retain more friendships. When you bake in the sun, you get a nice tan and go for a dip in the pool to cool off with your friends. But when you fry, you get a sunburn and don’t dare go in the shower for a week…which scares your friends away.
Tip #3: Drink plenty of water before meals. This will help you eat less during the meal. After all, few people can over-eat consistently while rushing off to the bathroom.
Tip #4: Don’t taste-test while you cook. Many cooks taste their dishes several times while cooking to make sure the flavor is just right. Over a lifetime, the typical cook who takes such measures will put on 13.4 pounds. Worse still, tasting your cooking in advance deprives you of entertaining facial scrunches when your family tastes your untested recipes. (Remember that laughter is a great way to burn calories?)
Tip #5: Don’t eat what your kids leave behind. Admit it, after your kids leave the table, you gather up the food they leave behind. You just can’t bear to throw it away because you know that it’s enough to feed a small, famished African country. So you eat a “second supper” out of guilt. How can you be so heartless?! Send the leftover food to that small, famished African country.
Tip #6: Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are not all that bad for you, if you eat them in moderation. But stay away from those dreaded peanut butter and jellyfish sandwiches.
Tip #7: Blot your pizza to remove 17% of the saturate fats. If you blot it really well, you can remove 100%. Of course, an empty plate might require a spicier sauce…
Tip #8: No snacking in front of the TV. Get up. Right now. No snacking in front of my TV. I don’t want crumbs on my living room carpet.
Tip #9: Schedule your exercise. It’s true, if you don’t schedule it, your exercise will get pushed aside by things you do schedule. I suggest scheduling it during office meetings, dental appointments and reality TV shows. You wouldn’t want to miss anything important, would you?
Tip #10: This is a good one. Why, because #10 on any top-ten list is always a good one. Ten is a great number. So tip #10 is to celebrate every ten pounds lost by preparing a triple chocolate double-dip cheesecake supreme ice cream parfait deluxe. Go ahead and drool. You deserve it. And if you think preparing it is fun, just wait until you lose another 50 pounds … and have permission to actually eat it.
I hope these tips help you. On a serious note, most people will lose a significant amount of weight if they follow these ten tips along with watching their calories according to any popular healthy dieting plan. Well…almost. You might not want to follow tip #6. You will probably lose fewer pounds eating jelly than you would eating jellyfish.
About The Author
David Leonhardt writes about happy thoughts at TheHappyGuy.com , positive thinking at TheHappyGuy.com/positive-thinking-free-ezine.html and tearing down your house at thehappyguy.com/home-improvement-project.html … so why not write about dieting?
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Doc, I Know My Arthritis Will Get Better If I Lose The Weight?. But How Do I Do It?
First? establish realistic goals. Start with a target you can hit?say? "OK, I’d like to lose five pounds in one month." Make it easy on yourself. Then once you hit that goal, set another one. Achievable goals will help you get the confidence you need to keep on going. Another tip: reward yourself (not with food) for hitting your goals.
Second? Get support. If you have a spouse or friend to act as a buddy while you’re doing this, you’ll get much needed help. Groups like Weight Watchers are also an option.
Third?Change the way you eat. Frequent small meals are better than three large ones. Eat most of your calories early in the day so they’ll be burned off as the day progresses. Start your meal with a big salad- one that is a lot of bulk but few calories. That’ll prevent you from eating a larger main meal.
Fourth? Change what you eat. Replace refined carbohydrates with carbohydrates that have a heavy fiber content. Definitely lower the amount of carbs you have in your diet.
Fifth?Reduce your portion size. Something simple like this can markedly reduce your caloric intake but you’ll eat less.
Sixth? Eat with your non-dominant hand. It sounds crazy but it works.
Seventh?Increase your exercise. Try cross-training. Consider both weight-training as well as cardio exercises to boost your metabolism. By doing a variety of exercises, you won’t get stuck on a plateau or stop because you’re bored.
Eighth?Watch less television as a completely passive activity. Not only is this the prototypical sedentary activity but it’s much better for you if you can get your TV fix while exercising. Set up a TV in front of your treadmill.
So there you have it… Now let’s lose some weight!
Dr. Wei (pronounced "way") is a board-certified rheumatologist and Clinical Director of the nationally respected Arthritis and Osteoporosis Center of Maryland. He is a Clinical Assistant Professor of Medicine at the University of Maryland School of Medicine and has served as a consultant to the Arthritis Branch of the National Institutes of Health. He is a Fellow of the American College of Rheumatology and the American College of Physicians. For more information on arthritis and related conditions, go to: arthritis-treatment-and-relief.com
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